The Misadventures of Zack Fair
by Aka Pine
Summary: How many rules/regulations were broken by, or instated because of, Zack Fair? Quite a few, actually.
1. Soldier, First Impressions are Important

_**Ho'kay, so, first semester of university first-time-away-from-home is over! Yay!**_

_**I've really haven't had the time to work on my main fic, Bleach's 'Shaping Bonsais'. Yet when I got off on break, I thought "Excellent. I can work on finishing it!" **_  
_**...the plot bunnies had other plans. Le sigh.**_

_**So, here's yet another fic I'm working on. Crackish? Sort of. Fun? Very. Premise? Well, I often wondered how Zack acted in SOLDIER before Crisis Core...and how many rules and regulations he broke or had instated because of his activities.**_

_**So, without further adeu, I give you...**_

_**The Misadventures of Zack Fair**_  
_**Author: Me! Aka_Pine_Writer!**_  
_**Rating: G-R, depending on the chapter**_  
_**Disclaimer: I own nothing that has to do with Final Fantasy. If I did, I wouldn't be worried about paying for my education, and Sephiroth would feature a lot more in all the games, and you would have the option to play as him.**_

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**Chapter 1: First Impressions are important**

**Music Track: Turkish Delight- Sagisu Shirou**

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It had started out as a normal day at ShinRa Electrical Company. In fact, it had started out as a rather boring day, if you wanted to be technical about it. The doors opened for the main-stream employees at eight a.m. sharp, the President went into his office at nine and by ten all SOLDIER operatives were up and about, running around doing errands, or trying to avoid errands.

The only interesting quirk in this daily routine was for just (at the moment) one man. Sergeant Adams had received a missive that morning, informing him that he had a young, promising recruit to meet, and to informally induct into the SOLDIER program.

He could tell, just from reading over the young man's stats, that this would be an interesting day.

He mulled over the information as he marched (old habits die hard) to the lounge where he was supposed to pick up the cadet: young, claiming to be sixteen, just barely old enough to enter. Glowing reports from drill sergeants and watchful talent scouts, excellent marks on tracking, tactics, and sword-work, and from all accounts, promising leader material.

Oh yes, this sounded like just what the SOLDIER program needed!

He grinned, excited at the prospect of potential new meat, and opened the door to the lounge.

Several young men were in this room, in various states of repose; three blondes were attempting to chat up the secretary (who was studiously ignoring them), and one brunet with dangerous looking hair was talking to a red-head that looked like he could be a trigger-happy, goggle-wearing moron.

"Cadet Zack Fair?"

The one with spiky black hair and easy smile stood at attention, grinning. "Reporting for duty, sir!"

Adams smiled. Oh, this was promising. Such a bright, eager young cadet, and from the looks of him, strong.

"Follow me."

Sergeant Adams took Fair through a series of small tests to try to get a feel for the kid.

The reports did not exaggerate. He had no problems with thinking things up on the fly, which helped him pass the tactics exercise, and his sword-work was excellent. Hell, give him a few years and a good teacher, and he might even rival the Trinity.

It was when Fair had entered the next room for the last test that He showed up.

The Sergeant did not see Sephiroth enter; rather, like most of the employees that had been there long enough, his Sephiroth-senses tingled, alerting him that the man had snuck up behind him.

It was with pride that the Sergeant did not flinch or jump when the low baritone rumbled right next to him.

"Is this Cadet Fair?"

"Yes sir."

"Did the reports exaggerate?"

"So far, no they did not, sir. His tactic skills are sound, and he seems to be a natural with the sword."

"And this test?"

"Just getting ready to start him, if you would like to watch, sir."

The General nodded, and turned his attention to the one-way window, keeping his eyes on the bouncing boy.

Zack waited inside the empty room excitedly, unable to keep himself from shifting, bouncing, and occasionally humming. His spiky hair swayed in tangent with his moving body, and his blue eyes sparked with excitement. He was _so_ ready for whatever came next!

An intercom buzzed overhead, and Sergeant Adams' voice echoed in the chamber.

"Okay Fair. The object of this exercise is…"

"Is…?" Zack nodded, smiling and bouncing even faster.

"…get the flower."

Zack blinked. "Flower? What flo-"

An odd, chirping noise interrupted him, and Zack turned to face the strange sound, sword already drawn, legs shifting effortlessly into a defense stance.

He blinked down at the strange…thing.

It was a small cactaur, one that had a lovely red bloom on its' head. It made a chirping noise again, and to Zack's amazement, jumped from…would that be a foot or a root? Foot, Zack decided firmly when the cactaur gave an odd chuckling laugh, and started hopping again.

"Hey there," Zack grinned. "Are you the guy I gotta take the flower from?"

The cactaur chirped, and hopped again.

Outside the room, the two higher-ups watched with curiosity.

"Sergeant, perhaps you could help me," Sephiroth finally said as they watched Zack sheathe his blade and bend down to get a closer look at the cactaur. "I'm afraid my information on cactaurs is somewhat limited. Why is it not attacking Cadet Fair?"

Sergeant Adams did not answer right away, instead focusing on the boy, who was now shaking hands with the prickly creature. The creature, once released from the hand shake, hopped back a little, and did its' odd, hopping dance once more.

"Um…"

"Yes?" Sephiroth pried, voice hardening just slightly.

Adams knew that meant the General wanted an answer. NOW. He turned to meet the General's gaze, trying not to fidget nervously.

"I…I think it is trying to court Fair, sir."

Sephiroth just stared at him.

"Yeah, um," Adams fidgeted. "I guess maybe it's because of Zack's hair, thinks he's another cactaur or something…"

"I see. And what would happen if Fair danced with it, as he is now?"

"WHAT-"

Even as he turned, Adams knew it was true. For one, the General never lied to his men (and Adams was proud to be considered one of Sephiroth's), and for another, from what he had gleaned from the boy in just the few hours of knowing him, Adams knew it was exactly what Zack would do, if given the opportunity.

He was still dismayed when he saw his SOLDIER hopeful, not bouncing around the room and slashing at the creature, but rather…

Zack was imitating the cactaur's dance perfectly, and once the cactaur started up again, joined it in perfect synchronization.

Silence echoed in the room.

"Perhaps if we had a dance team, he could audition for that instead," Sephiroth said dryly.

"Ye-yes sir."

"And yet, he still manages to complete his objective."

Adams blinked, stunned when he looked up into the room again.

Fair was bowing to the cactaur (who returned the gesture quite gracefully), and was holding the red bloom in his hand.

Zack emerged from the room, triumphantly holding the bloom in hand, and grinning like a maniac.

"Not to sound conceited sir, but that was a lot easier than I thought it would be," he chattered, seemingly not seeing the General leaning there. "That was fun, actually. Poor Snuggles though; seems lonely, doesn't he?"

"Snuggles?" Adams said faintly. The boy…had named…the cactaur…

"Yeah, seemed wrong to just keep calling him cactaur, you know? Giving him a name makes it, I dunno, more intimate I guess."

A snort from Sephiroth announced his presence to the young cadet. Zack whirled, saw the General, and froze. One second elapsed, then two.

"Are you forgetting something, soldier?" Sephiroth said.

"SIR!" Snapping to attention, and giving Sephiroth a salute, Zack then stood perfectly still, a feat that Adams had, until now, thought impossible.

"At ease, cadet."

The boy grinned, and started bouncing again. "Soooo…did I pass? Did I? Did I?"

Adams sighed, rubbing his temple with his fingers. "Zack, I don't think-"

"Of course you passed," the General cut in, silencing Adams. "Welcome to SOLDIER-"

"Yahoo! Thank you, sirs!" Zack cheered, doing the dance he had just learned (much to Adams dismay) and still wearing his grin.

"I expect you to be well-rested for tomorrow," Sephiroth said, slinking towards the exit. His next sentence froze the boy, and wiped the smile from his face.

"Don't think you can solve everything with a dance, Twinkle Toes."

The General left, and Zack turned to look at Sergeant Adams, a serious look on his face. "Sir?"

"Yes, Fair?"

"…do I get to keep this?" Zack offered up the flower.

Adams groaned. "Yes, Zack, you can keep it. Dismissed."

"Sweet," Zack said, placing the bloom behind an ear, and heading back out, whistling happily as he went.

Adams watched him go, knowing somehow, deep within his being, that life just got more complicated, and that ShinRa would never be the same.

* * *

_Eh heh heh…so I seem to have a fondness for green prickly creatures from Final Fantasy. I blame this on a previous fic I did, called 'Cactaur Dance', which you can find in my profile. I also would like to place the blame firmly on Final Fantasy XII as well (I'm playing it for the first time). In it, you can go on hunts. One of the first hunts you can get is chasing down a cactoid with a red flower blooming on the top of its' head. When I first caught up to it, I thought it was rather cute, and that it was trying to dance with me…then the next thing I know, my support character is down from 1000 needles, and my main character is at half health. So, that is how this little drabble came to be; that, and I could picture Zack being very willing to dance with something like that instead of jumping in, sword flailing. Even at the expense of his reputation with the General. Ah, first impressions…_


	2. First Mako Injection

_Decided to post the next chapter before my trip to the great North tomorrow, and as a present to my buddy over on LiveJournal, lil-broken dolly. Thank you very much for still reading my stuff! A late Christmas present from me to you! ^_^ _  
_Chapter 2: Mako Injections _  
_Rating: T for...Zack. And nakedness. _  
_Disclaimer: Don't own, duh. _

_**"Be prepared for any oddities when you receive your first Mako injection." ~SOLDIER handbook**_

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Chapter 3: Mako Injections

Music Track: Chocobo FF XII Version

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Genesis Rhapsodos was here for his mako injection, patiently waiting his turn in the waiting room. He wasn't the only one waiting; a young man had gone in just before him, and there was also a small blonde with spiky hair that amused Genesis to no end, but he was too polite to comment or make fun of it.

The door opened, and the boy that had gone in before staggered out, normally blue eyes wide and glowing.

Genesis glanced up from _LOVELESS_, and froze. He blinked slowly several times to make sure he wasn't going insane.

Yes. The boy was still there, and he was still glowing, and he was also still naked.

Well, that brightened his day considerably.

"Dude," the boy croaked, looking now at the blonde. Genesis noted that the boy was sweating profusely; probably one of the side-effects of his first mako shot.

"Dude…I didn't know Chocobos could stand the heat like this. I'm dying, but you…you poor little guy…all those feathers…"

His mako seemed to be taking, if the speed by which he moved was any indication.

Genesis watched the drama unfold with the eye of a good play critic; the cast was interesting, the plot amusing, and there was just enough random silliness to keep him watching.

The dark-haired boy was now hugging the struggling blonde, ignoring his protests and exclaiming loudly that ShinRa should be reported to PETA for such animal abuse. Meanwhile, his hands were petting the poor blonde like he actually was a Chocobo.

Professor Hojo came strolling out of the lab at that moment, taking in the odd scene with merely a satisfied nod.

"Hmph. Not as extreme a reaction as I originally thought, but he should make a good SOLDIER. Sephiroth will be pleased at least."

"Professor," the other recruit squawked. "Please-"

Hojo ignored him, and returned to the lab.

Genesis sighed, closed his book, and stood. With one hand, he reach down and onto the brunet's neck, clamping down like one would on a puppy's neck.

The boy stilled instantly, and Genesis' lips quirked. "Down boy."

The boy, amazingly, backed off, and the blonde fled for his life.

And so Zack Fair met the infamous Genesis Rhapsodos, and fervently wished he had been issued a sword so he could impale himself on it and die that way instead of being that embarrassed.


	3. When In Doubt, Improvise!

**_So, here's chapter 3!  
Rating: T for...Zack. And his actions. Nuff said._**

**_"When you are in any doubt, it doesn't necessarily hurt to improvise." ~SOLDIER handbook_**

**_Chapter 3: When in doubt, Improvise_**

**_Music Track: James Bond Theme from Dr. No_**

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"Cadet Fair, I asked you a question."

Zack blinked, turning his attention from the window to his annoyed instructor. "Sir?"

"Cadet, I asked you what to do when faced with an unknown situation that you don't have time to investigate," the instructor sighed. Really, he often thought he didn't get paid enough to deal with this all the time.

Zack scratched his chin thoughtfully, ignoring the whispers and mutterings from the relatively small class.

"Improvise," he finally stated in a firm tone that took both teacher and class by surprise.

"And how do you figure that?"

"Sir, while normally it would be wise to send in the teams to try to do some reconnaissance and gather information that way, before they decide on anything else. However, in the event that this is impossible, it would probably be in our best interest to send in two or three operatives, with instructions to keep in contact with the rest of the team by phone for the duration of their investigation while they tore the place apart, adjusting accordingly to whatever they encounter inside."

The instructor nodded grudgingly, and moved back to the front of the room. He definitely deserved a raise.

* * *

_**Mission Information: ShinRa has received a tip-off that the leader of a leading rebel Wutai faction is meeting with drug dealers in Midgar to finalize business plans. The location has been sent to your PHS.**_

_**Mission Objective: Find and disable the leader of the rebel faction. Armed and dangerous. Prepare for anything. Bring the leader in alive, if at all possible.**_

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**_

Zack dashed through the warehouse, panting hard as he zigged and zagged, avoiding gunfire and ricocheting bullets.

Even though this was just a practice run, he was taking this very seriously. Especially since everything he saw could be used, or felt. And that unfortunately included steel and bullets.

!

Even though he knew this was a simulated mission, designed to see how he reacted to dangerous situations, Zack thought it was decidedly unfair to sick the electronic Sephiroth on him this early in his training.

The electronic General stood before him, sword drawn, hair blowing in a nonexistent wind, with a small army of disguised rebels, all with their guns leveled at him.

So…he was trapped now. Great.

Zack glanced around frantically, determined not to fail this mission. Then he looked at the crates, froze, and his eyes narrowed shiftily.

"Any last requests, ShinRa dog?" the fake Sephiroth rumbled, the tip of his blade at Zack's cheek. Zack turned slowly, hands raised just as the group he had tried to lose came up behind, cutting off his only path of retreat.

Not that he needed it.

"Yes, oh Great Sephiroth-sama," Zack sighed dramatically, amused by the expressions on the fake Sephiroth's face; wow, those engineers were really good with this shit.

"Well?"

"Gotta light?"

The fake general stared at him for a long moment before nodding, and reaching into his jacket, and offering the cadet a lighter.

"I don't have any cigarettes on me, so I'm afraid your last request is wasted," the electronic Sephiroth said, sounding amused and slightly apologetic.

"Don't need it," Zack said, and with a swift kick, broke open a nearby crate labeled 'flour', and with a demented cackle, tossed the lighter inside.

There were shouts from the insurgents when everything vanished in a smoky explosion. It took a minute for the smoke to clear, and another for the fire to put itself out.

The electronic rebels looked around, and then froze in place.

Their leader was gone. They had no other objective now.

At the exit to the warehouse, Zack was gleefully struggling with the fake Sephiroth.

"You know, for a fake, you're pretty good," he chattered, finishing tying the general in a hog-tie with his own silver hair. "I mean, I know you're just a machine and everything, but you feel real! Heh, guess it really shows I'm from a small town in moments like this, huh?"

"Cadet Zachary Fair," the fake droned. "You will release me this instant, I will consider this just a rookie mistake, and let you leave this room with all of your gonads intact."

"Well now Mr. Sephiroth-wannabe, even if you were the real Sephiroth, this mission dictates that I take the leader, which you obviously are. So until the mission is over, I cannot and will not release you." He then winked at the quietly fuming fake. "Although the idea of you near my junk is flattering, believe me."

With that last comment, Zack bent, picked up the fake, and threw him over his shoulder in a fireman's carry, and exited the building with a friendly pat on the fake general's rump.

Sergeant Adams waited for him, mouth agape.

Awesome! He probably was impressed by my ingenuity! Zack thought cheerfully.

"Zack…"

"Yes sir!"

"…why are you carrying General Sephiroth like that?"

"Because he was the leader of the insurgents in my mission," Zack stated.

"…you do know that your mission is over now, right?"

"Yep! Waiting to hear from you on how I did!" Zack beamed, shifting his load slightly and without missing a beat whacking the fake's backside when he struggled too much.

"Um-"

"Although you'd think this guy would have disappeared by now," Zack said thoughtfully, playfully jostling the fake Sephiroth. "Maybe it's a malfunction? Or maybe those engineers are really perverted and like to-"

Wait. He had completed his mission; Sergeant Adams had stated as much. And if the mission is over, the program either freezes certain components, or turns them off.

This Sephiroth was not frozen, nor was he disappearing.

Zack's eyes formed almost-perfect circles, and with deliberate gentleness, slowly lowered Sephiroth to the ground.

Burning emerald eyes glared up at him, and Sephiroth's trapped hands gripped uselessly at his imprisoning hair.

"What do you have to say for yourself, Cadet?" Sephiroth hissed. "And make it quick, or you will never get it out before I finish eviscerating you."

"Um…I was…impro…vising?"

To this day, new recruits are always told the tale of the idiot who touched the General's assets, and how his screams echoed in the halls of ShinRa for weeks afterward.


	4. Keep your thoughts to yourself

_**Next installment!**_

**_Chapter Rating: T-M, due to Zack's potty mouth, and a little perversion from...others. XD_**

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**"SOLDIERS must be polite and courteous to the President and Vice President, no matter how shitty you might be feeling, or your own personal feelings about them." _~SOLDIER handbook_**

_Music Track: Heart of Misery by The Rasmus_

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"And how are you m'boy?" the fat man asked, shaking Zack's hand vigorously.

_Shitty, sir. I just got done with drills after eating some of that slop in the cafeteria that you think is fit for human consumption, I haven't showered yet, and Genesis gave me this creepy look in the hallway that promised future pain and humiliation for me, if the leather cuffs he was swinging on his finger were any indication. I'm a SOLDIER prodigy, which makes me super-cool, but isolates me from my classmates because they think they're not good enough to hang around me or that I'm too snobbish to get to know everyone better. I'm homesick, and haven't had good barbeque chicken since I left my mom's kitchen. I'm used to sharing a room with four other brothers, and I have more cousins than you have SOLDIER operatives. I hate the weather here, because it's always cold, and it can rain any day of the week instead of staying in one season like it's supposed to. I'm in deep trouble with Sergeant Adams because I embarrassed him AGAIN, I can't sleep in my own bed because my neighbor likes to stay up late with his boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever it is now, fucking their brains out as loudly as possible while shouting explicit details about what they are doing or what they look like. As a teenager, do you have any idea how awkward that is? I'd be the first to admit to having ANY interest when it comes to sex, with anyone, so long as they're breathing. However, listening to my disgusting neighbor go at it when I know I shouldn't be listening but can't help BUT hear it, really kills the mood, you know what I mean sir? Nah, you probably don't, do you sir? Nope, because you are Mr. ShinRa, President of ShinRa Electrical Company, monopolizer of Midgar and the Armed Forces, and personal body protectee of the Turks. You have everything sent to you on a silver platter, eager women included…and probably a few eager boys as well, if I'm to take that leer of yours to mean anything. I don't care if you are the President and my boss, you send your boys to escort me to your bedroom, I'll fucking rip them a new one…unless you send Reno. He'd like that too much. Might have to blow him up instead. I'm not giving you the pleasure of being the first person to bed me, thank you very much you tub of inconsiderate lard. I'm not even into guys…well, except for maybe the General, but who wouldn't tap that? Or be willing to be tapped by that? Seriously, the guy is too fucking pretty for his own good. Bet he'd be a tiger in bed…yeah, definitely a tiger, and no pushover. Man, Fair, you know it's stupid to think of the General like that…get your mind out of the gutter. Hell, with Tseng watching you this closely, he might be able to read what I just thought…shit! Can they do that? I know Reno just bullshits his way out of things, but good Turks are supposed to be really good at reading people…almost like mind-readers! SHIT!_

"M'boy?" the President asked, frowning slightly at Zack's glazed look.

"Sir! Fine sir! Just would like some pie, sir!"

Further down the line of assembled new SOLDIER recruits, Sephiroth smacked his palm to his face with a groan, Genesis smirked, and the third man merely stared at the boy before turning to the silver General.

"Is he always like this?"

"Attention span of a gnat," Sephiroth groaned.

"But not stupid," Genesis noted as the President chuckled, patted the boy patronizingly on the head, and moved on. "He knows how to work his charm, and how to keep his less polite thoughts in his head…usually."

The dark-haired man nodded, still watching the now-silent boy. "Could you two help me keep an eye on him?"

Genesis blinked, and even Sephiroth cocked a surprised eyebrow. "Angeal…are you…?"

Angeal shook his head. "No. But there are rumors circulating that Lazard is thinking about trying out a new program for SOLDIER- a tutoring program. You pair up an experienced, upper-class SOLDIER with a lower ranked, less experienced one. He asked me to participate."

"And you were thinking about taking Fair on?" Sephiroth deadpanned. "Angeal, you would strangle him within the week."

"Perhaps," Angeal smiled. "But…he does show potential. I haven't decided yet, but that's why I'm asking you two to help me watch him. I want to see what he's made of before making my move."

"If I was in the program, I would snap him up like that," Genesis said, snapping his fingers for emphasis.

"Genesis, didn't you just get a restraining order from one of the cadets in the Army?"

"I didn't mean it like that, and you know it," Genesis snapped. "…closet pervert."

"As if I had anything to hide," Sephiroth sniffed.

"Two words, Sephiroth. Liquid. Leather."

To his credit, the Silver General kept his cool with his friend. However, Zack would always remember that day as Hell Day; not only because he was homesick and tired, but because he started feeling like he was being watched, and it was driving him crazy.


	5. Keep Curfew

**Chapter 4: SOLDIER hopefuls have curfew for a reason**

**Rating: M for language, and...a certain someone's comment**

**Music Track: Crazy Motorcycle**

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**_"SOLDIER hopefuls, and new recruits, must keep curfew. This is because certain parties seem to get up to more trouble in the wee hours of the morning than during normal daylight hours. Stay in your rooms for your own safety and for our Generals' sanity." ~SOLDIER Handbook_**

* * *

Sephiroth had been having a lovely evening before he got The Call.

He had gotten home from the office on time; his paperwork for the day was all finished, and he was looking forward to having a small lie-in tomorrow morning because of it.

He had spent some quality time with his pet parrot Curley, rolling the small bird onto his back and ever-so-gently tickling his belly. Curley was odd, for a bird, he mused. He acted more like a puppy than a bird.

He had then eaten a nice steak dinner, topped it off with a relaxing hot bath, and some light reading before he had happily crawled into his bed for an early night of deep sleep and happy dreams, Curley shuffling in his cage as he settled in as well.

Alas, it was not to be.

At two thirty-five am, he received a phone call from Tseng of the Turks, but it was his bird's annoyed screech at the phone that woke him. Miffed, he had answered the phone curtly, calming a little when Tseng's low voice came in from the other end.

If it wasn't too much trouble, would he please meet Tseng down at Turk Headquarters on the double?

Of course, when he mentioned that he had one of Sephiroth's men in custody, it wasn't like the Silver General had much of a choice. So, he dragged himself out of his nice, warm bed, got dressed and headed off, silently cursing whoever decided that heat wasn't needed in this part of the Shinra building during the winter.

Along the way, he noticed that certain parts of the building (the SOLDIER lounge, the Turk break room, the various board rooms, and even a few of the bathrooms when he deigned to peek inside) were trashed. Trashed, not in the sense of people leaving dirt or papers strewn about, but rather like someone had taken a crowbar to everything while they rode a crazed Chocobo, and had left everything where it fell.

And, of course, there were the half-naked women who were running around half out of their minds, the silly string that was everywhere (including the coffee pot in the SOLDIER break room), and the hybrid spider-monkey that scuttled away from Sephiroth, retreating to its' web under Lazard's desk.

Sephiroth could honestly say that the Shinra building hadn't seen this sort of chaos in a while.

When he finally arrived to Turk Central, he checked in at the desk, swiftly and cleanly signing his name (as if they didn't know who he was), and with an elegant swish of his hair, entered the room that viewed the main interrogation room.

He refused to let out an audible sigh; an audible sigh was the sign of a lesser man on the end of his rope, and Sephiroth was no lesser man.

But he couldn't help the internal groan when he saw an all-too-familiar spiky head of hair.

Zachary Fair was sitting next to what Sephiroth assumed was his Turk counterpart- a young, slim man with shocking red hair, goggles, and a sly smile that most men wore when they were guilty of many illicit things and had yet to be caught.

He frowned through the glass, and then sidled up to where Tseng waited, and watched their two rule-breakers.

"Tapes?"

"Tapes," Tseng replied, pointing at the small TV screen in the corner of the room.

After several minutes of watching the contents of the film, Sephiroth nodded, stood, and entered the room with the two idiots.

"What did you do?"

He felt a small prick of pride when Fair and the Turk both jumped at the sound of his voice; it was nice to see that he could still frighten and surprise even those who had gotten used to his presence popping up everywhere in the ShinRa building.

He was not surprised when both men stared at him for a long moment, then simultaneously pointed their finger at the other. "He made me do it," they both chorused.

"I understand," Sephiroth said soothingly, though his eyes were green ice.

Fair knew that look, and shifted nervously. The Turk, however, seemed taken in. "Really?"

"Oh yes. Two young men out after curfew hours in the ShinRa building, one a Turk, and one a SOLDIER…oh yes, I understand completely. Tseng, could you come in here please?"

As if you weren't listening and taping the entire conversation anyway, he thought dryly as the other man entered.

"Sir?"

"Do you remember what it was like when we were their age?" Sephiroth asked, sweeping a gloved hand towards the Turk and Zack. "Newly promoted, first time paired up together…"

Tseng nodded. "It was…a high point in my life."

Sephiroth nodded. "As it was mine. And do you remember what we did that night?"

"Had hot monkey sex?" the Turk asked, to the horror of Fair, who sat frozen, eyes wide as he stared at his Turk counterpart.

Tseng's face did not break its smooth blankness, but he did summon a rolled newspaper from nowhere, and promptly whacked the red-head over the head with it- hard. "Bad Reno."

"Sorry sir. You know, no filter and all that," Reno said sheepishly.

"We went out, had a few drinks, and then spent the rest of the night playing Twister," Sephiroth continued, as if Reno had not spoken. "And the next morning we got up for work like normal, and went about our lives. Did we destroy anything, Tseng?"

"No sir."

"Did we trash the Shinra building?"

"No sir, we did not."

"…what else did they do?" Sephiroth asked, noting Fair's growing look of horror, and Reno's tightening face. Oh, this would be good.

"They stole two Hardy Daytona Prototypes-" "The newest model of motorcycles?" "Yes sir. They then proceeded to ride them in the building, tearing up rooms as they went, and terrifying the night staff."

Sephiroth frowned in thought. "That doesn't explain the silly string, the small fires, the three secretaries that are currently running around in their undergarments, and the small spider-monkey in the break room."

"Reno did all that," Fair said promptly, ignoring his partner's sputtering denials. "I came up with the idea of taking the bikes for a test run. He came up with everything else."

"The tapes corroborate with Fair's testimony," Tseng added, ignoring Reno's wail. "I'll take care of mine, and you take care of yours, Sephiroth?"

Sephiroth nodded, and with a firm grip on Fair's collar, lifted the boy out of his chair and dragged him out of the room, out of Turk central, and down the halls toward the SOLDIER quarters.

"Fifteen demerits, Fair," he grumbled. "For stealing Shinra property, and waking me up at this gods-awful hour."

"Yes sir," Fair whimpered, still being dragged.

"…and minus five of those for placing most of the blame on a Turk."

Fair's eyes widened as he looked up at his superior, who was smirking. "How did you-"

"Your manipulation, while clumsy from a Turk standpoint, was probably some of the best editing work I've seen since Genesis broke into the Chocobo stables when we were cadets," Sephiroth said, smiling slightly at the memory. "Besides, Tseng spotted the errors a mile away."

"But if he spotted them, then I didn't get away with it," Fair whined.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes, halting at Fair's door and punching in the code to unlock the door. "No, you didn't get away with it; however, Tseng and I both know that it should have been Reno who should have done the editing, and trying to cover his tracks, not you. So he will be punished for not doing his job, while you get a slightly lesser punishment for pulling one over a Turk." He beamed as he tossed Fair inside his apartment, enjoying the boy's look of elation and surprise.

"I think you'll make me proud of you yet, SOLDIER," Sephiroth said as the door slid shut. "Just keep your hands to yourself, and I won't have to cut them off for you. Oh, and Fair?"

"Yes sir?"

"If I ever have to get out of bed this early for you, you had better hope you are dying. Understood?"

Fair gulped, and nodded. Satisfied, Sephiroth padded away, already calculating the damage, and the appropriate punishments.

* * *

The next morning found Zack and Reno on their first official assignment together…cleaning up their mess from the night before.

"I have all that damn paperwork to do, plus extra training because apparently us Turks aren't supposed to be tricked by dumb-ass SOLDIERS," Reno grumbled as he tugged silly string from the ceiling fan and bagged it. "Yo. What do you have Fair?"

Zack shrugged, giving the spider-monkey a friendly pat while getting tickled from six of its eight legs. "Hehehe, that tickles…paperwork, gotta apologize in person to the secretaries, and do laps on the obstacle course-"

"THAT'S BULLSHIT!"

"-with Sephiroth chasing me."

"…oh, maybe not. What flowers do ya want at your funeral?"

"I'm rather fond of violets."

"Daisies it is then."

"Fuck you Reno."

"No no…fuck _you_ Fair."

"I'll be tearing both your asses if you don't get this cleaned up _now_."

Tseng's dead voice got the two degenerates to shut up, and to work faster.

To this day, curfew is strictly enforced for both new SOLDIERS and Turks, and the motorcycles are kept in a secret location on a different floor, with locks on them. The joke is that only a small gold chocobo determined to leave the Shinra Building stands a chance of getting to them; but, perhaps, that will never be tested.

* * *

**_AU: I'm not much of a grease monkey, but I literally drooled when I found the motorcycle Cloud probably stole in the original game in a show room in Crisis Core. It just...looked SOOOO inviting... Can you blame Zack or Reno? Didn't think so. ;)_**

**_I seem to be becoming fond of Tseng, odd. Oh well. R&R!_**


	6. Don't Donate Your Organs

Chapter Six: Organ donations.

Rating: T, because Hojo is involved. More squick-ee than funny, sorry.

Music Track: Mephistopheles by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

* * *

_**"Even if he offers to pay you for them, do not sell your organs to Hojo."~SOLDIER Handbook**_

* * *

"Why do you hesitate to follow me, boy?"

Zack glanced down at Professor Hojo, biting his tongue to keep the real answer unsaid. "Sorry Professor. Just a little nervous."

Well, that was more than truthful. He was terrified. He had heard more than his fair share of Hojo Horror Stories, and had seen some of the rumored monstrosities the man had made firsthand.

What Zack had not anticipated, or been warned about, was how expensive it was to enter the SOLDIER program. If he had known just how much of his own stuff he would have had to buy…well, he would have stayed in the regular army a little longer to build up his reserves, because his financial cushion, thanks to buying his books, equipment, and health insurance, was completely wiped out.

And then there were the damages he had to help pay for after his midnight escapade with Reno and the bikes…

Which brought him to why he was here…in the labs…with Hojo…

Oh gods help him.

"Do you have any pain tolerance, boy?"

Zack jerked, and offered the stern scientist a beaming smile. "A little, I would like to think."

"Does your family have a history of madness?" the doctor continued, making notes on his clipboard as he sat at a desk in the room. Zack took the other seat-the one closest to the door.

"Um, not really, but my Great Uncle Albert was convinced he was a descendant of Shiva."

More scribbling.

"Any genetic disorders?"

Zack thought about this for a moment. "Hmm…not in my immediate family, I'm sure of that."

"What about your grandparents or great-grandparents?"

"They seemed fine last I saw them," Zack answered, fidgeting. Of course, he hadn't seen his grandparents in over a year since he left Gongaga. He at least hoped they were still alright.

"Any allergies?"

"Not that I know of."

The professor snorted, and continued writing. "Oh, I'm sure that, given enough time, we would find something."

Zack stared. "Um…okay?"

"Any serious injuries sustained in your early childhood?"

"I fell out of a two-story tree when I was five," Zack said brightly.

Hojo stared at him. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Injuries sustained?"

"Oh, nothing much. Broken arm and dislocated shoulder. That's the worst I've had so far."

"Hmph. That's quite tame compared to what you'll go through in this program."

Zack fidgeted. From the way Hojo was talking, it sounded like Zack might be in for a world of pain and suffering. Pain and suffering were things Zack didn't really seek out in his spare time.

But…the man was offering to pay him.

Money really was the root of everyone's problems, Zack thought as Hojo flipped to the last page on his clipboard.

"Alright. I've marked the organs that I'll be extracting, all I need from you is to sign here, and here."

Zack had been in Midgar long enough to know a few important facts of life. One of these facts was to never trust a Turk. Another fact of life that he had learned was to always read the fine print before you sign anything. So, despite having an irritated, obviously impatient Professor Hojo waiting for his signature, Zack took the time to read the fine print.

And boy was he glad he did.

"Um, Professor? Do you normally have it in the fine print that any debilitating injuries or deaths sustained is of no fault of yours and my relatives can't sue?"

"Standard procedure for any medical field nowadays, boy. All those malpractice suits…"

"And I can't complain or sue you if I…grow extra limbs, wings, or tentacles?"

"Again, standard procedure," Hojo said with an impatient hand wave.

"'Normal side-effects include but are not limited to: cramps, diarrhea, vomiting, temporary blindness, permanent blindness, temporary pigment change, permanent pigment change, uncontrollable gas, double vision, triple vision, headaches, loss of taste, gills, extra limbs, loss of limbs, missing organs, coma, and death'?"

"Legally covering my bases, boy."

Zack frowned as he read further, and then shoved the paper back at Hojo, and stood, heading out the door.

"Change your mind, boy? Can't handle a little pain for a little gain, eh?"

Zack turned and offered Hojo a stern frown. "If it's worth it, sure. But do you honestly think I'll go under your knife for only 200 gil per organ you harvest? No thanks."

"300 gil?" Hojo offered lazily.

"No way!"

Professor Hojo watched Zack leave, and once the door was shut, sighed heavily as he looked over Zack's sheet.

"And this is why my department needs more endorsement," he sighed, and stuck the pages into a folder. "Oh well."

He scooted over to the phone, dialed a number, and waited.

"Hello Sir. Yes, could you send a few of your Turks down here? I have a project I need help on. Which ones? Well, send the annoying red-headed one at least. He let my prize spider-monkey out the other night, so he needs to make up for it."


	7. Tease

Chapter 7: Tease

Chapter Track: Vanilla by Gackt

Chapter Rating: T for Zack's activities

AN: I *dare* you to look up the lyrics to this song, and then listen to it while reading this chapter, and see if you don't either laugh, or cringe.

* * *

**_"SOLDIER pay isn't so bad that you need to go out stripping on the weekends." ~SOLDIER Handbook_**

* * *

Even though he had to sneak out every Friday and Saturday night, avoid the guards and the Turks, and slip into the seediest parts of the Slums where everyone would sooner mug you than look at you, Zack, despite his situation, was having a blast.

The bar was relatively clean compared to some of his last gigs, and the owner was reasonable. Zack would get his pay, keep whatever tips he earned, plus get free drinks up until closing. There was also a wire fence that separated the SOLDIER recruit from the, ehem, eager hands of the crowd.

And some of them weren't even women.

Zack listened to the catcalls, whistles, and jeers with a bright smile on his face, and kept twisting and dipping to the music. He had already lost his shirt, and had tossed it out into the crowd were a short, albeit fierce, scuffle had broken out to decide who would walk away with the prize. He didn't know who won it, and he honestly didn't care.

Even though he was working this gig (and others) to pay off what he owed to SOLDIER, he was enjoying himself. He noted that when he vanished below the plates, the feeling of being watched that dogged him since his inception into SOLDIER vanished. It was nice to have some breathing room. There was something liberating about descending into the slums, being relatively anonymous or just labeled 'SOLDIER', and working his money maker to the newest beats on the street.

It wasn't like he had not looked into other options before deciding to try this. Between reading Hojo's contracts and the contracts they have you sign if you offer out your services as an exterminator of Hedgehog pies and other pests in the slums, he realized he didn't want to lose his organs or limbs for so little pay. Donating plasma was out of the question due to the mako in his bloodstream now. He couldn't offer his 'handy-man' country style service to those on the Upper Plate, and the people who lived below the Plate couldn't afford him, or could do the work themselves. He had even looked into giving sperm samples, but between the damned mako and his age, that was a definate 'no'.

Then he had overheard (he did NOT evesdrop!) Genesis mention something about a stripper back in Wutai who had entranced him, and made off with his wallet. Zack took that to mean that the stripper was good, and the lightbulb went on over his head. So, here he was on a night he had off, dancing and moving when he could have been relaxing in the barracks or out drinking with some buddies and not being oggled by old ladies.

Well, it wasn't so bad. He knew just enough gutter Wutainese to know that this song was deliciously dirty, so he made his movements appropriate. Lots of over-the-top lip licking, slow grinding movements with his hips, add in some silly dancing in between the sexy routines, and he had it made.

He added a dazzling smile to the routine, and winked at a crowd of women who were probably old enough to be his mother's age; they swooned.

When he was finished, he headed towards the backrooms to clean up and count his earnings. He was dressed, and whistling merrily as he counted his cash when the manager informed him he had someone who requested to see him.

"Got a name?" Zack asked as he followed the shorter man out.

"Never asked, and he's never told."

The man in question turned out to be a nice-enough looking fellow with dark hair, a well-trimmed goatee and mustache, and an open, friendly smile.

"You dance quite well, Zack," the man offered, waving Zack into the empty bar stool next to him. "You doing this for fun, huh?"

Zack cocked his head, thinking hard. This man seemed familiar somehow… "Naw. I owe a lot of money, so this helps. I do enjoy it sometimes though," he added with a chuckle. "It's a nice change of pace."

"I'm sure the women appreciate it," the man mused.

"And some of the men," the bartender added dryly.

"Are you that strapped for cash?" the man asked after a few more minutes of idle chatter.

Zack shrugged. "SOLDIER is a lot more expensive than the company lets on. There's books, insurance, shots, and so on." He rubbed the back of his neck. "And, ehm, I did some damage the other night and I have to pay for that too."

The man considered Zack for a long moment. "You know, if you want, I have a way you could make money that wouldn't go against SOLDIER policy."

"How would you know what is and isn't supported by the handbook?" Zack asked suspiciously. This man…he KNEW him from somewhere but he couldn't put his finger on it…

"Let's just say I know a few people," the mysterious man chuckled. "Oh, look at the time, and I have an early start tomorrow. Here's my card; call me any time after three, and I'll hook you up."

Zack waved goodbye to the odd man, glanced down at the card, and nearly fell out of his seat.

'Reeve Tuesti, Head of the Department for Urban Development'.

So much for impressing higher ups in other departments.


	8. Weapon Care

Chapter 8: Weapon Care

Chapter Warnings: A little language, a little sarcasm (barely), over-abundance of weapons, and a nod to a Terry Pratchett novel

**_"You will treat your weapon with respect and care."~SOLDIER Handbook_**

* * *

"So. You're here for what reason, Cadet Fair?"

Zack fidgeted in his plastic chair, trying not to notice all of the weapon display racks, or the numerous karate, judo, tae-kwon-doe, déjà-fu, kung-fu, and okie dokie championship ribbons on display.

Wait…Deja-fu and okie dokie…?

"They are two forms of martial arts taught by the Time Monks in the Valley of Time and History," Commander White smiled, bald head gleaming. "But you didn't answer my question."

"Sorry sir," Zack said, trying to stop his fidgeting and failing. "Um, well, you see I was in weapons practice, and we were using bokken, you know those solid wood swords? Of course you know," he rattled off, heedless of the bald one's raised eyebrow. "You got every weapon available on your wall here. But anyway, I was sparring with Jenkins, and I guess I swung too hard and broke the damn thing."

Commander White considered the boy before him, frowning in thought. "Still getting used to your enhancements?"

Zack nodded, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

It had been over a week since the last scheduled mako injections, but most cadets took more than a week or two before they could properly reign in their newfound strength, especially when they weren't paying attention or sparring. All of the instructors knew this, and as such, it was common enough that most instructors expected accidents and broken tools.

Commander White narrowed his eyes at the boy before him. "The instructors and resident SOLDIERS know when Cadets get their injections, and aide and avoid when and where they can. Did those scientists down in the labs tell you that a Cadet, when they are first injected with mako, are more dangerous than most higher SOLDIERS?"

Zack stared at his superior officer, and shook his head.

"The other SOLDIERS know how to control their strength subconsciously, and when they do apply their strength, they know what to expect. As a Cadet, you do not know this yet."

Zack nodded.

"Did you hurt anyone?"

Zack shook his head.

"Did you crack a joke about the weapon?"

A sheepish smile was his answer. "Sorry sir, but what's the point in training with those? Wouldn't it make sense to train with actual weapons?"

Commander White sighed, rubbing his temples gently. "Cadet Fair, while I understand that a wooden stick is a poor substitute for a real piece of steel, that does not make it any less dangerous or useful."

"And I think that against other weapons, wielding a stick would just get you killed, sir," Zack replied, arms crossing over his chest.

Commander White took in the boys' body language, and snorted. "Depends. I saw the General slaughter an entire platoon of ninjas with the same weapon you cadets were practicing with last hour."

Zack winced, and then tried to brush it off with a shrug. "With all due respect sir, that's Sephiroth, not Joe Army. You plop me or anyone else down in that same situation, and we'd be dead AND robbed blind before we knew what hit us."

"Zack," the commander sighed. "I realize and recognize that you are fairly young, and still getting used to Shinra." Glowing cobalt eyes stared across the desk to the cadet before him. "But you need to understand something."

"Sir?"

"A weapon…should be treated with respect and honor. If you treat it like trash, it becomes trash. Don't think of it as a tool; it is an extension of you. It's not separate; it is a part of your hand. Recognize the strengths and weaknesses it holds, and then use it to your greatest advantage. SOLDIERS might be stronger than normal humans, but without our weapons, we lose our edge against larger, stronger monsters. A good weapon, when treated well and taken care of, will serve you for years to come...and save your wallet some grief," he added with a small knowing smile.

The cadet considered his words for a few moments, then nodded. "Yes sir. I'll try to be more respectful in the future."

"Good. You have weapon cleaning duty for the next two months, every night in the armory on the SOLDIER floor. I'll give you access tomorrow, and you'll be able to get in after nine every night."

Zack let out a groan, but gave a serious salute as he stood. "Yes sir."

* * *

Two weeks later, and Zack had become quite intimate with the armory that was housed on the SOLDIER floor. Good news: he was able to look around the floor, and get used to it before he became a full SOLDIER, which is more than what some of his classmates could say.

Bad: he still had to clean ALL the weapons.

He was at first confused, and then later amused, when he realized that SOLDIERS didn't use just swords. Oh no. Not only did he have to clean broad swords, claymores, rapiers, short swords, scimitars, katanas, and even the occasional gladius, he had to also take care of staffs, electro-mag rods, a few rifles and pistols, and not to mention all of the hand-grenades and bombs…

So much potential in such a small room.

"You know, if you actually focused on doing your work instead of daydreaming, you might actually get it done."

Zack blinked at the man who leaned in the doorway. Zack remembered seeing him before at the welcoming ceremony; he had been next to Genesis and Sephiroth.

Zack couldn't remember his name for shit because he was damn tireds, but he knew enough to realize that the other was the superior officer here.

"Sir!" he stated, offering the relaxed man a salute, somehow managing to keep the stink bombs in hand while executing the salute flawlessly.

"At ease."

Zack breathed, and quickly placed the bombs back to their respective places. "What brings you in here tonight sir?" he called out, offering a friendly, if nervous, smile. He'd feel a lot better if he could remember the man's damn name…

"I thought I heard someone scurrying around in here, and came to check it out," the man smirked, and turned away, waving a hand in farewell. "And don't forget to replace the wooden swords. Sephiroth is coming down here tomorrow to whip you and your unit into shape, and he'll need those…unless you want him to use _actual_ weapons."

And with that, the man disappeared, leaving Zack gaping.

"Okay Zack, no big deal," he mumbled as he left later that night. "Sticks are fine, and Sephiroth will use those instead of that damned sword of his…wait. But he killed an entire platoon of ninjas with one of those…he's going to kill me," he wailed.

"I will if you keep wailing like a banshee," a voice growled from the room next to him.

With a squeak, Zack sprinted for the stairs.


	9. Intermission, pt 1

Intermission 1

Sephiroth, contrary to the image that Shinra and the media liked to paint for the clueless masses, was not a morning person. Sure, he would get up early and go to work because it was expected of him, but that was after two cups of strong coffee, breakfast, a little playtime with Curley AND a shower to help wake him up. And if you wanted to get a hold of him on one of his rare days off, don't bother showing up before noon. Even Angeal and Genesis couldn't drag him (bodily) out of his bed until he felt damn good and ready on those rare, blessed days.

So it should go to show Angeal how much of a friend Sephiroth considered him, as he was currently ass-deep in the muck of the Midgar Swamps, following behind the recruits as the drill sergeant led them on a pre-dawn dash through the swamp on his day off.

The sergeant, a Second Class by the name of Toponopo (or Mr. T as the recruits called him) knew Sephiroth was there. Hell, he wouldn't be Second Class if he didn't pay attention to these sort of things. But before he had led the recruits out, he had given the General a subtle okay signal to follow.

Sephiroth appreciated that. He tried not to step on Second Class toes, because they were directly under Angeal, and the last thing Sephiroth wanted was for his friend to have more work to do, let alone inter-department squabbling about him not letting the men do their jobs.

Mr. T was someone who didn't mind Sephiroth, usually. Unlike other Second Classes, he seemed to understand that sometimes, the silver-haired man needed to look into things personally. Obviously, he saw this morning as just another one of those days. Tall, dark, and with the bulk that most future SOLDIERS dreamed of possessing, Mr. T was originally from the Corel area, and was fairly even tempered. He did, as Sephiroth had noticed in the past, have a sadistic sense of humor.

And so, here Sephiroth was, trailing behind the main squad by roughly a quarter of a mile; far enough away (and downwind) to avoid detection, but close enough to keep them on his radar while the mud sucked at his body, frogs chirped at him, and the Chocobo who had been following him for the past mile warked. Why the damn thing was following him, he didn't know, nor could he summon up the energy to care.

This wasn't just a drill designed to keep the new SOLDIER recruits in physical shape, it also served to give the boys a chance to become adjusted to their senses, and being in the middle of a Zolom infested swamp was certainly a different experience than the polluted streets of Midgar.

"No offense, sir, but this STINKS!"

Well, that one was certainly using his nose.

Mr. T laughed. "Yeah? And whaddaya want me to do 'bout it, dummy?"

The 'dummy' wisely did not answer, and Mr. T snorted. "Alright, listen up. Never let it be said I didn' have pity on you fools. Focus as hard as ya can on the smell; let it invade your senses, and then ignore it."

The recruits all took deep breaths as their group slowed to a stop, and Sephiroth watched from behind, peering out from around his tree.

Fair was near the back, a look of concentration on his face as he tried to do what his commanding officer had told him.

Sephiroth was secretly pleased when the boy grinned after a moment. "Sir! It worked!"

"Course it did," Mr. T snorted. "Did you pick up anything else, Fair?"

"Yeah! Okay, so the frogs are chirping here, right? But about two miles that way," he pointed to his right. "They're silent. Probably another human or a predator that way. There are Num-Num berries nearby, and they are ripe. Someone didn't put on deodorant this morning-"

Sephiroth, impressed, had taken out his notepad.

_Boy exhibits excellent focus when confronted with a select problem; trusts his senses other than sight. Also seems to exhibit a fair sense of direction. Has good physical stamina, and has no problems with taking orders, unlike some other recruits I could mention._

"-there's a storm coming in about two hours, oh, and I think General Sephiroth is following us."

That last comment had Sephiroth jerking his head up from his notes, his eyes wide.

Mr. T seemed surprised as well. "What makes you say that, Fair?"

"Well, I noticed a mile or so back that we were suddenly being followed by a Chocobo," Fair admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

"So?"

Fair smiled. "Chocobos normally don't stay _exactly_ one quarter of a mile back when they're tailing someone," he turned, looking right at Sephiroth. "Do they, General?"

_Boy is incorrigible and a smart ass. Recommend moderate discipline, often. A few rounds of Zolom tag should straighten him out._

_

* * *

_

**_AN: I always wondered why you didn't see any SOLDIERS there weren't white, either that, or I missed them. So...Mr. T is in the house! ^_^_**

**Part of the Intermission mini-group that has nothing to do with the Handbook, but rather how Sephiroth and Genesis keep an eye on Zack. Next one is Genesis...Enjoy!**


	10. Intermission, pt 2

Intermission 2

Genesis smirked as Zack Fair stepped into his apartment.

"Enter my web, said the spider to the fly," he chuckled softly to himself, and with one last mental 'huzzah', swept into the foyer.

When he had sent for the boy, Genesis had set up his apartment in _just_ the right fashion.

His apartment, while normally quaint and clean for Midgar, was much warmer, softer, and…intimate now. He'd broken out the cinnamon apple candles, placed a few pitchers of red and white roses, and had put on some Toshiyuki Morikawa, who was currently still crooning softly in the background. The final touch was turning the lights to a lower, more…_pleasant_ setting.

Genesis had checked over himself in the mirror before the boy had knocked, and was satisfied with his chosen outfit.

"Well, hello there, SOLDIER," he crooned, offering the boy his brightest, and most seductive, smile.

"You asked for me, sir?" the other replied, bouncing slightly on his feet, smiling and eager to please.

"Indeed I did," Genesis said, slinking forward. Zack Fair seemed to finally notice his outfit.

"Wow. If you don't mind me saying sir, that looks really…cool."

Genesis beamed, and flipped his hair lightly. "Why thank you," he motioned to his outfit. "I like to wear this in the company of…friends."

His outfit consisted of walking around bare foot in a pair of black leather pants, and a simple long sleeved button up cotton tee-shirt (you know, like the ones you see on those cheesy romance novels that have the males so obviously based off of Sephiroth? Yeah, THAT shirt), and a small silver chain holding a purple gemstone that had been cut in the shape of an apple. The final touch was a quick spritz of apple cologne.

Yes, he looked and FELT damn sexy in that outfit.

"Please, Zachary, come in and make yourself comfortable."

"Just call me Zack," the boy said, blinking in surprise.

Genesis let out a happy hum when the boy looked at his feet, and paused to take off his boots before walking on the plush carpeting.

Once the boy had settled onto the couch, Genesis offered him a glass of wine, which Zack politely declined.

"Well now, Zack," Genesis said, drawing out out the 'a' in the boys name in a caressing way. "How is training going? Still working with wooden swords?"

That perked the boy up considerably, and seemed to help him relax as he rattled on about training, cleaning the weapons, and of Sephiroth's appearance at the end of a jog through the Midgar Swamp last week.

"Ah, he mentioned that you had noticed he was following you," the red-head smiled. "He muttered something about a Chocobo…?"

While Zack launched into a lengthy explanation, Genesis set his plan in motion with a very simple gesture.

He cocked his head at the boy, smiled, and then knelt in front of Zack, his smile morphing into something much more sinister and devious.

Zack's story had trailed off into silence and more confused blinking.

"Now that I have your attention, fair maiden," Genesis purred. Not giving Zack a chance to react, he nabbed the boy's hand, and brought it to his lips, giving the knuckles the barest brush of a kiss.

The effects were nearly instantaneous.

After a stunned half-second, Zack turned red, tried to speak, and ended up letting out a squawk instead.

"My fair love, do you deign to speak to your willing servant?" the red-haired general smirked.

"G-G-G," Zack cleared his throat. "Genesis. This isn't-"

"Hush," Genesis soothed, laying a finger on the boy's protesting lips. "I will admit that I lured you here under false pretenses, but I had to see you! My soul wouldn't bear it otherwise."

"But but but-"

"Ah, you want me to compose a blason on the spot? So be it," Genesis said, and began. "Lo', your hair draws me into its' inky blackness, and greets me like blades of grass greet the spring morn. Thy eyes are violets in the fields of happiness and youth. Your mouth, cupid's bow did grace, as many of mine kisses surely will adorn. Thy chest holds a generous heart, one I hope to soon possess, as you possess mine. Your backside is shapely, firm, and I would enjoy nothing more than to-"

Genesis fell silent as Zack's hand fell over his mouth; the boy's previously mentioned violet eyes literally burning with embarrassment. "Please don't finish that, sir." He dropped his hand with a surprised yelp when Genesis, smirking, licked it.

"Zack, you drive me crazy, you know that?"

Zack was starting to scramble backwards over the couch, with a stalking Genesis following. "Um, really, I don't know what-"

"Don't say anything, my love," Genesis purred. He nabbed a rose from one of the vases on the coffee table with his mouth, and crawled right up to the boy. He stared at him, face inches away, and with a suave smile offered him the rose.

Zack took it, reluctantly and looking at it, twirling it once in hand before frowning at him once more. "Sir, I'm flattered but-"

"I know," Genesis said suddenly serious. "I understand."

Zack looked relieved. "You do? Oh good, because this was getting awkward-"

"I understand that you are still innocent and pure, and I am willing to do this properly," Genesis continued, despite the fact that Zack seemed to be choking on his own spit now. "Dinner will be ready in about, oh, another thirty minutes. Afterwards I have two tickets to tonight's showing of LOVELESS. Then, since tomorrow we're both off-duty, I'll walk you back here, and work on…" he smirked darkly. "Properly…showing you how love works."

"You're a perverted Don Juan!"

Genesis cocked his head at this. Oh, really?

"And what makes you compare me to that literary caricature of a horn dog?"

Zack's eyes were blazing now with indignation as well as the embarrassment. "You both have no problems going out of your way to try to seduce someone you're lusting after into bed!"

"True," Genesis said with a nod. "But when I masturbate I don't think about answering questions of the universe."

"Oh," Zack considered. "Is that what that one line was about? I thought he was just laying there wondering about stuff…he was jacking off?"

"The wording is subtle, but it is there."

"Wow. The other guys might've paid a bit more attention to that if they had known THAT'S what he was doing."

"Most of the guys in your class wouldn't know subtlety if it danced naked in front of them with a large sign that said 'Do me!' around its' neck."

The boy chuckled. "True, true…so, um, can I go now?"

A suddenly bare-chested Genesis was his answer. Zack paled and then gulped.

"I promise, my dear, I'll be tender, patient, gentle," Genesis said, leaning forward and whispering with a dark purr in his ear. "And I'll make you scream my name in ecstasy before the night is over."

"Okay, I was hoping you wouldn't make me do this, but you've left me no choice."

Genesis feigned surprised, and let his body fall back, and down onto the floor when Zack incorporated a head-butt and shove into one move. He waited, pasting a look of stunned hurt on his face as Zack stood, brushing himself off.

"Sir, if you really didn't have anything for me, mission or job wise, I'll take my leave." And with that, Zack grabbed his boots, tied them quickly (with his back to the wall) and left.

He had taken the rose with him.

Genesis let out a laugh when the door clicked close, and after grabbing his shirt, headed into the dining room.

The empty oven was cold, and only a pad of paper and pen waited for him.

_Angeal-_

_I hope this message finds you in good health, my friend. I hear Wutai is currently going through a nasty monsoon. Please keep your socks and feet dry._

_Remember that little side-mission you asked me and Sephiroth to look into? Seph'll probably have a typed up report for you when you get back, and unlike most of his writing, this should at least prove entertaining, if his verbal retelling of events is to be taken seriously._

_I myself just finished an 'interview' with the little puppy. I found that the boy does notice little things- he took his boots off before coming in without me asking him. I also noticed that while he does talk respectively to superior officers, he speaks more like you- that is, in a relaxed, friendly manner. He's not in awe of us like the rest of those bumpkins. He is also aware of the rules; he declined wine from me, which makes me happy because I did not want to share my Banora Red with anyone, except maybe you. On your birthday. After we win in Wutai and Sephiroth finally gets laid. Yeah, big celebration._

_Anyway, you were right when you said you thought he was more of a physical person. He was making my whole couch practically vibrate as he sat there just chatting with me. Yet he does think creatively; we discussed literature (not LOVELESS, oh, you'd be so proud) for several minutes before he left._

_He also thinks well under pressure, and in social situations tries to get out of trouble as politely and gently as possible. I wouldn't recommend him for high-risk social situations, but showing him off at a gala or two wouldn't hurt anything, as he is very friendly. However, he does tend to lose his focus, and once it is lost, it's hard to get him back on track._

_Please stay out of trouble. I'm sending some more Banora Whites to you soon, and in this shipment there should be cookies from the last batch I made, and a blanket that Sephiroth croqueted for you. It's a little uneven, but he did put a lot of time and effort into it and it is such a pretty color. He says that you'll need it after the monsoon. Your boys from Second Class also splurged for you, and you should find a small crate of preserved fruit, jerky, and if that mousy mail clerk over there hasn't eaten it by the time you get this, several bars of chocolate._

_Yours truly,_

_Genesis_

_PS: Would you be kind enough to tell the little puppy that I was just testing him and using him to fix a dire case of ennui? Giving the current situation, he probably won't want to be alone with me again anytime soon, and I don't want to embarrass him in front of his peers. _

Satisfied, Genesis glanced at the clock, his smile turning into a frown.

Yes, he had lied about dinner, but he had not lied about the two tickets to LOVELESS. What was a man like him to do?

He got up, opened his front door, and glanced up and down the hallway.

"Hey," he called to the smaller figure, who whipped around to face him in surprise. "Sir?"

"Are you free after six?"

The blonde trooper nodded slowly, his gravity-defying spikes swaying gently. "Yes sir. Do you need anything?"

"I need someone to go to a play with me, otherwise it's a wasted evening," Genesis said, offering a friendly smile at the other. "You game?"

The boy nodded, blue eyes bright and suddenly hopeful. Poor kid probably had never been to a play, or with anyone like Genesis, at least.

"Good. You're in the cadet barracks, right? I'll pick you up at six thirty," Genesis said, and watched the boy go on his way.

Well, it wasn't a totally wasted evening, he thought, whistling as he tugged his shirt back on. He had nearly molested a young SOLDIER, and now had a cute cadet for a date.

Don Juan indeed.

* * *

**_AN: H'okay, several notes for this gem._**

**_One, this was a request by lilbrokendolly over on LJ. It was her birthday a few days back, and I offered her a gift fic. This is her request: "OK, imagine Zack in Genesis's apartments for whatever reason, and after a bit Genesis begins making the moves on Zack. Very theatrical moves. Zack is entirely unreceptive, since he is mostly straight (And Genesis knows this, but doesn't really care), and starts to get a little panicked, and really has no idea how to deal with over-the-top Genesis. As for Genesis, the entire thing is merely an amusement...whether he gets some from Zack, or just gets to watch his reactions, Genesis doesn't really care (he's just trying to escape his ennui for a bit), but Zack has no idea of this. Perhaps it could be some kind of experiment he's conducting (completely of his own volition and imagining) in order to convey more insight to Angeal about his puppy? I'd like for the whole vibe to be amusing, you know? Ridiculous also works."_**

**_Yeeeeeeeeah...definatley got ridiculous, haha! Being the dummy I am, I actually had to look up 'romantic gestures'. Hand kissing and impromtou poetry caught my attention, and seemed to fit for Genesis. Blason is a form of poetry where the poet goes into detail over various body parts of his lover (a famous one is Shakespeare's Sonnet 130). And yes, I was giggling while I wrote this._**

**_Also, Don Juan is delightfully smutty, if you understand the language._**

**_The singer that's crooning in the background is the seiyu who does the voice of Sephiroth, and various other deep-voiced characters in anime (you've probably heard him at one point or another)._**

**_Also, I don't know if they have Harlequin Romance novels in Final Fantasy, but if they did, I'm sure Sephiroth would have been their Fabio. _**

**_On top of all this, I learned a new vocab word! Ennui (prononced 'ahn Wee) essentially means 'boredom of the soul'. I liked it, and I like using new words, so that's why that's in there._**

**_Yes, that was Cloud at the end. I don't think I've paid attention to him since Zack's Mako injection, so he gets this little freebie. XD_**


End file.
